When I’m writing this it’s a day after my first video with Essence Cosmetics went online on their YouTube channel. I’ve thought about writing about this experience, but I wasn’t sure if it would be interesting, what I would tell you exactly and if it was even allowed to be talked about. So I decided on just not writing about that, until now. Since the video went live I’ve almost continuously thought about it and the reactions. I’ve watched the video about five times now and my mind has just been racing. And since this is my personal blog where I also write about my personal thoughts, I decided to use it that way again and rant a bit about this. Because I do have a lot of thoughts.
I don’t really know where to begin. I’m actually supposed to edit a video right now, since I’m already behind schedule, but I just needed to write about this for a bit. Just for my own sake. As I may have told before, I’m very much an introverted person. When I’m with friends I can be very loud and active, but when I’m not around people I know I tend to stay in the background. I also have a very limited social battery. New people, impressions and experiences tend to exhaust me very quickly. I can even tell when I’m filming my own YouTube videos by myself in my room. When I’m editing the footage, I can just see my energy go down and by the end of the video I seem very tired and just trying to get things over with. But that’s just who I am. That’s my introverted self. I do really like filming videos, but because I lose energy the video starts getting less bubbly and such and therefore it looks like I’m not enjoying myself. But I am very much, otherwise I would have stopped making YouTube videos a long time ago.
Also whenever I film, I tend to take small breaks. I sometimes have to cut out minutes of footage of me just staring into nowhere or being on my phone. I’m an easily distracted person, and I also need my breaks. That’s just the way things are done around here. So when I received the invitation by Essence to film with them, I was very excited, but also very scared, since it would be so different. I’ve always been very scared of trying new things on my own. Whenever I need to do something new or go somewhere I’ve never been before, I prefer to have someone with me because I just get so anxious. Also just normal adult things like making phone calls or talking to someone get my heart racing. That’s why getting invited to collab with my favourite brand was the best thing ever, but also the scariest thing. And when I found out what I had to do for that collab, everything got even more exciting and scary at the same time.
To film these videos I had to travel to Hamburg, Germany to film in an actual studio with an actual crew. That would mean: traveling to a place I’ve never been, checking into a hotel, and meeting tons of people who I’ve never spoken to, who all have some sort of expectation of me. Since being bullied in high school, having to do things in front of other people has been the scariest thing. I’m always scared of people judging me or having opinions about me, and this specific situation required me to do something that someone had to have an opinion about. They expected me to deliver. And I’m not saying I can’t deliver, I’m just really scared about every step of the process. So yes, I was really nervous about this entire concept, but it was also the coolest thing ever to be recognized by someone for doing something you love, and especially by my favourite brand.
So yes, I went over to Hamburg to actually do this thing. Thank god I got to take my mum with me. She was also a bit scared of me going somewhere alone with strange people, and so was my boyfriend, so everyone agreed it would be best that I wouldn’t go alone this first time. So my mum and I drove over there and checked into the hotel. In the evening, we arranged to get dinner with the lovely girls from Essence with whom I’ve had contact already. They thought it would be nice to get to know eachother a bit already the day before the shoot day so I wouldn’t be surrounded by only new people. So that was great! I went to dinner with them and Jessica Brennan, one of the other girls who was shooting with them. All of them were just such nice people, but I still felt a bit intimidated by everyone. They were all very talkative and casual, while I was still pushing myself to the background afraid of judgement. And that made me even more scared since I am the one who is supposed to be in front of the camera talking for some time straight and being a funny, bubbly person. And out of all these people at the table, I was still the most drawn back. And that made me scared that they were expecting something else and were now disappointed in me. I don’t know, I guess that’s just how my brain works. Being out there was too scary in this new situation and being on the background also made me nervous about judgement. A lose-lose situation I would say.
So I went to bed with so many new impressions and so many thoughts. I was so nervous I barely slept that night. Also, the pillows were very hard and uncomfortable so that wasn’t such a great addition to my anti-sleep state as well, haha. Oh well, next morning we had breakfast with the same girls and then we went on to the studio to meet even more new people with expectations of me. It’s also a bit tough to be out there and speak when you need to think about everything you’re saying, since I’m not a native English speaker. My English is pretty good, if I may say so myself, and I do speak and write a lot of English, but in a conversation I’m still thinking too much about what I have to say. Like I’m already thinking a lot about what I’m going to say next, since I don’t want to come across as weird and such (judgement), but now I have to think even more since I have to form correct English sentences on top of that. It’s just weird and uncomfortable and very nerve wracking. Especially when you’re afraid of literally everything.
So now we’re actually in the studio meeting even more nice people and getting ready to film. Since the people expect me to do something specific I just listen to them a lot and don’t really talk, because I just want to do good in their eyes (judgement) and know exactly what they want. But again, it makes me scared that they were expecting someone bubbly and active and then they got me (judgement). The filming actually was a lot of fun, the people were really nice and I did start to warm up to everyone a little bit and get a bit more out there, but there were just too many new things in one day for me to feel fully comfortable. While filming I felt like they had to give a lot of input, since I tend to get quiet and think about what I’m going to say in stead of just talking, so then they thought I didn’t know anything to say and started to give input. Which is great of course, I can definitely use that, but it also made me feel like I wasn’t delivering enough for them. It’s also really weird to have seven people staring at you when you’re doing something you’re not even comfortable with doing when your boyfriend is watching. I always send everyone out of my room when I’m filming something, and now I have lovely Andre the cameraman staring at me from a meter distance, and even more people behind him. It was just very weird and it made me nervous. There were also no time for breaks during filming, like I do when I film something by myself. That also resulted in me getting a headache very early in the day and losing a lot of energy. Too many impressions.
It was also very noticable while filming the second video: I didn’t have any energy left. I was trying my best to stay as funny and bubbly as possible, but I just wasn’t able to. And again, that made me scared since the people there were expecting a specific thing and I couldn’t deliver (judgement). I thought the shoot day was so incredibly fun and it was an amazing experience, but I got very scared that I was the only one who thought that way. It also makes me scared that they might never want to collab with me again. Their idea was to create a kind of permanent YouTube cast, and I would love to be in it because it was so much fun filming with them, but I’m just scared that my introvertness has ruined it for myself.
Now I did manage to kind of move past that, since it’s been over a month ago that I filmed with them. However, it all kind of came back up in my mind now my first video was uploaded. I watched it multiple times and I’m actually pretty proud of myself. It turned out really fun and my friends and family seem to enjoy the video. Of course there are a lot of things that I would change about it or do different the next time, because that’s just my perfectionism. But in general I’m pretty proud of myself and I like the video. The thing that bothers me most is the comments on the video. I’ve been blogging for almost 7 years and doing YouTube quite a bit as well in those years, but I’ve never really reached a big audience and therefore never really experienced any hate comments or anything like that. I’m still always scared of online judgement, but at least online I get to decide what I show the world, so that has made my introvert self a lot more comfortable on the internet. Now I was expecting a lot of negative comments on my video, since the Germans are very pissed that their beloved German channel is now turning English and has a new format and such. All the other new videos have received the same backlash, so I wasn’t expecting anything less than that. However, it was weird to read people saying that I looked like I was extremely bored, that my English was terrible, and that I wasn’t fun to watch. It shouldn’t really bother me, but it doesn a tiny bit. This video was the second video that was filmed that day, so I didn’t really have a lot of energy left and I was very proud of myself that the video still turned out bubbly and fun. So to read that others thought I was just a lackluster bore was a bit disappointing.
Quick note about these comments: I’ve really been fighting the urge to respond to some of them. I just feel like they don’t understand that some people’s personalities are a lot more quiet and toned down, and I want them to know that, but I don’t want to stoop down to their level. So I decide not to do anything with it. Just let them be. Last thing I want to say about that is: Hey, I can understand German well enough, so you’re not sneaky. Maybe think about what you’re commenting, there’s someone on the other side of the screen as well.
So that’s why my mind as been running around all day. I’m very proud of actually doing this thing and going to a different country to meet new people and film with a crew, but I’m also scared that I have disappointed everyone and that I haven’t lived up to people’s expectations. It’s a bit of a double feeling, which is sad since it’s about the coolest thing I’ve ever done and I don’t get to be 100% happy about it. I don’t know, it just makes me scared in general that my introvertness might cause me to lose great opportunities in life or just cause me to be scared and doubtful about anything good I may do. I should be proud of myself, but I just can’t fully be, since I’m always scared of that judgement. I know it’s okay to be an introvert. It’s okay to have a smaller social battery and it’s okay that new impressions might drain you of your energy. When you still do those things besides all that, it’s amazing and you should be proud. For other people, situations like this may be a lot easier to deal with, so it’s also okay to sometimes draw back and look after yourself. You already know I had to have a three day break to recharge after this. Don’t compare yourself to others, because everyone is different. I just really hope that in the future my personality won’t stand in the way of reaching my goals and doing things I love. That’s why you must step out of your comfort zone every once in a while, because you might end up doing something amazing, like me getting to film this awesome collab.
If this thing isn’t to continue and this was just a one time thing, then I’m okay with that. It was an amazing experience, I had so much fun and I got to meet some lovely people (and the cutest dog ever, who you will probably meet in the other video). And it’s just a great feeling to be recognized by a brand. However, I would still be sad if this would be the end of that, since I would love to continue doing this. I would just wonder if it is because of my personality or not. And that’s just how my brain works. It’s not fun to be insecure, but it’s okay to be so, and it’s also okay to be sad sometimes.
If you’re curious about the video I’m talking about, you can watch it here. I also embedded it below this article. I am really proud of it and I hope you think it’s a fun video as well. I’m sorry if I’m not a bubbly, active person as you might be used to from other creators, but that’s just not who I am. I’m an introvert who did something she would never do in a million years, and this is the result. I would love to know if you yourself are more of an introvert, or an extrovert, and if you can resonate with this article a bit. Let me know in the comments, maybe we can have a lovely conversation about it! But for now, I want to thank you for reading this extremely long post and I’ll see you next time.